Went for a walk outside in the cold. My house felt so much warmer when I came in. I took off my shirt.

I really need to do some work.

I’ve been busy with my art.
(Guess nobody is interested in it though)

I need to make a list of all the places I need to call so I can tell them that I’m moving.

I think I’ll do that now.

Just in case someone out there is wondering what my baby looks like.

i’ve been pretty busy with skins. I’ve been designing alot. Trying to waste some time.

Still trying to analyze the letter though.

Lets see. She apologized, meaning that she thought that she was at fault. (probably thought about the situation). Seems as though she’s been having a few problems with her friends and her job. I wish she shared them with me. I guess by NOT sharing them, it kind of fits in with my unimportance. She says that she thinks I might be angry and can do nothing about it, basically saying, take me or leave me. She thanked me me and apologized again, maybe meaning that things are alright now and she was reaffirming that. She mentioned work as if she was saying that she took the time to email me first. She didn’t sign it with ‘love’ though as she usually does…

BTW Victoria and Aiko are one and the same. She has two names.

Just as I am Khalifa and Kay (Kei-Kun)

I finally recieved a reply from Aiko.
This is what it saids

Dear Khalifa

Victoria

It seemed a bit strange, because I dont know what just happened.
I didn’t seem to get any information out of that email. Is it just me?

We always move forward in our lives. Some just decide to stop, but it is those people that need to push themselves.
Some people say that they dont move forward at all. But it when we look back that we see the distance we have walked.

I was looking at a rainy window. Looking at the droplets glisten. I was thinking of Aiko.
I realized something as I saw one drop fall from the top of the window. As it moved down, it joined with other
droplets forming a slightly bigger drop but moving faster down the window. Every few inches, it joined
with another and moved quicker and quicker until the end, where it stopped as it split into smaller droplets.
It’s funny how life is like that. We start moving forward and as different things and people come into
our lives, everything seems to move quicker. It’s at the end when we stop that we realize that we’ve done
and acheived so much.

You know someone gave me some good advice today. Believe it or not it was my sister. She told me that it is possible that I’m having problems with Aiko because she doesn’t understand how the arabic society works.
We are taught that when you are in love with someone, you should treat that girl as a princess, and as if she is the only girl in the world. Since she comes from a Japanese society, it may be that she doesn’t understand this type of attention, or that this attention ‘means’ something to her.

She is definately a special girl to me.
I lay in my bed thinking. She’s not very beautiful but in my eyes shes the most beautiful thing in the world. I guess you have to be in love to understand this feeling.

She has a good soul and a good heart. What she decides will ultimately be up to her. I just hope that what I noticed or loved about her was not true at all.

I was watching this Anime that my friend recommended to me called ONEGAI TEACHER. It’s not bad. What is STRANGE is that there are soo many things that are the same between me and the anime.
For example, he’s an 18 year old that had an illness and was in a comma and now looks 3 years younger than he really is. And he’s in love with a lady that is older than him by a few years.

In my case, when I was young, I was very ill and my sickness stunted (stopped) my growth for two years. So even though I’m 19 (or 20 long story) I really look like i’m 17 (18). I cant remember if I told Aiko this… And additiionally I’m in love with a girl that is 21.

Hmm I’m sure I’ll think of some more relations.

I’m off to go and show a house to a couple of people.

Later

I managed to stop thinking about Aiko for a while. I tried to block her from my mind. I woke up today at 8pm. I thought that the more of the day that I miss, the less I think about her.
It’s 3:40 am now and I can sleep.
I dont know why but all of a sudden she has popped into my head.
I thought I would make myself busy by cleaning the house.
When I went to the kitchen to get the laundry my heart suddenly felt sad again. I dont know why, but I said out loud in a whisper “Please dont leave me Aiko”
I guess it happened because that’s where she used to be.
She always used to be sitting in the kitchen cleaning a few dishes and singing a song. I dont know what she was singing because it was in Japanese but it sounded sweet.

She’s the only girl that has every taken care of me. She makes sure that I am healthy, that I am happy, and that I’m never angry or sad.

Why has everything changed all of a sudden?

I know you can’t hear me Aiko. But whereever you are “I love you”

I tried to BUSY myself today. I went to the town. Ate. I saw a friend from my country there as well. It was so strange, because the last person I expected to see was him, especially in a drab town like colchester.

I met up with Marc, a friend. We went to the housing agency.

Then I made my diary ‘look’ nicer. Spent 3 hours on it.

But guess what I’m thinking of again….

Aiko finally called me. She called at 2pm when she said she would at 10 am. I guess there was somesort of misunderstanding.

She spoke to me in a friendly tone on the phone when she said hello. I thought that things were alright now.

I started by saying what I practiced in my head, over and over again.

I said sorry for giving you any discomfort or making you feel confused.

She said I dont want to talk about this, I dont like thinking at the moment.

So I said Ok then, I wanted to tell you that if you want to work in september, then it’s ok with me too, I’ll wait for you.

She said I told you I dont want to talk about these things

Basically it ended with her saying that we needed a break. ANd that she needed time to just think.

Maybe it was good that we were having a break. Maybe I needed to clear my mind as well.

But she said it so calmly. Was she tired at the time? Or was it normal?

I just hope that she doesn’t come out of the break feeling that we need to break up.

I just hope that everything goes back to normal and that I dont lose her.

I’ll just pray everyday until she contacts me that everything will be alright and that I dont lose her.

I hope

I went to bed this night. I thought that everything was alright now. Now that I solved my problem with her. Aiko didn’t seem to like talking about herself or any feelings she had. I guess that was fair.

I cried today in bed. I couldn’t sleep. I never cry. I couldn’t control the feeling. I also felt a strange feeling in my heart. It was the same feeling I got when I was afraid. It was fear.

The fact is, I’m afraid of losing her. I never thought I would care about her this much. She means so much to me.

I thought that I meant this much to her too. I dont know why I’m feeling this. We haven’t broken up. But I’m still afraid of the future.

I have to admit that I thought of being with her forever and perhaps marrying her. But I know that’s not what she wants. I know that she doesn’t want me in her future.

I am prepared to give her whatever she wants.
She said that I dont look at the world. THat I only ‘look at her’. Maybe the reason is because she IS my world. I want to make her life the best.

I wish she could understand me.

Another thing that it seems is that she is trying to grow up too fast. She is concerned with adulthood and maturity. When in truth, when you love someone, age doesn’t matter.

I told her I was 19. I wanted to see what she would do if I did that. If she would still love me. She said she still does but I’m sure it’s worrying her. I can’t tell her that I’m really 20 because she will wonder why I lied to her about being 19. In the beginning she still stayed with me. So I knew her love was true. But now she is telling me that she thought about the two year age difference. Why Aiko? I love you.

She will never know the pain that I go through for her.

It’s difficult keeping up my life and still thinking of her. It’s only difficult because she doesn’t tell me what she is feeling. But I dont care. I just want to be with her.

WHY WONT THESE TEARS STOP! I’m not crying. They’re just coming out.

I wish Aiko was with me, so that I could hold her in my arms and tell her that she is safe with me.

I’m going to try to sleep again. But I’m sure I cant

I had a long talk with Aiko on the phone. I tried to tell her everything. But it seems that she misunderstood the whole situation. She thought that I was not giving her enough choices in her life. But I’ve always let her be free.
She mentioned one thing about her job and me telling her that she had to choose (but that was a misunderstanding). She made it clear though that she would choose the job over me….

That made me sad.

She mentioned a few things that I guess were in her heart. She mentioned the subject of age difference.
Aiko being 21 and me being 19. She told me that she was at an age of adulthood and maturity. But I believe that age is just a number and that person reaches adulthood or maturity when they believe it is time.
There was a time when she thought that I was 20 because there was a mixup with birth certificates, and she didn’t think about age differences then! I love her with all my heart and she is more concerned with age…

She finally mentioned that that I forced her into doing certain things. But I never did. And if I did unknowingly, I am deeply sorry for that. But I always made sure that she was comfortable and that before we did anything, that she wanted to do it too.

I guess I wasn’t being as perfect as I thought I was.

The reason I do so much for her is because I dont want to lose her.

I guess that if she lost me, it would be ok with her. She would move on and forget about me.

I dont know why she doesn’t understand my situation.

There was a time when I was thinking that I would be with her forever. There was also a time when I thought of marrying her.

I guess I’m not what she wants in a serious relationship. Maybe she only went out with me because she wanted someone and not because she truely loved me.

Either way, we’re still together. I guess things are ok.
I’m going to try to stay with her as long as I can. Even though she doesn’t feel the love that I feel.

My life would be useless without her.

I see the world. And I see the future. I see myself a lonely man in that world.

I’m so glad that I have this diary in order to slowly write my feelings.
I can never share these feelings with anyone. Especially AIKO. I have to show her that I am a man and that I am not too sensitive.

I once called her after having an argument on the phone with my dad. I had a couple of tears because she was the main subject but I think she didn’t know it. I felt happy to hear her voice on the phone. I also felt ashamed to be letting her see me so weak.

I need to sit down now and clear my mind.

Alright, I’ve been thinking again.
This is what I’ve done for her while she was gone.
I dont really want her to know what I’ve been doing for her because I dont want her to think that I’m showing off or anything.

The main thing that I want to give her is this necklace that I bought her. It took me 2 months to order to it because I had it custom made for her with her name in arabic. I also made sure that I got the purest gold for her. More accurately it’s a golden chain with the writing in white gold and the border in yellow gold. I hope she likes it. Then again, will she even care?

I’ve also started a small project called “Project AIKO”. What i’ve done is created some artwork that she has inspired within me. I’ve also created a song for her. I told her about the song a while ago, she told me she still hasn’t listened to it. I guess it’s not important to her, but at least she knows I made it.

I’ve also started learning Japanese for her. I know it’s difficult, and unusually I feel Chinese is easier but I’m still trying to learn Japanese. I thought it would be a nice surprise for her. But then again, I feel that she will just be excited for a few days and then forget.

I bought her a Blouse the other day. I saw it and thought it would be perfect on her. I couldn’t remember her size though so I bought the one that I thought was fit.

I bought her a teddy bear as well. It’s from Artikel. I felt that she would like it.
Actually what I wanted to do is put the necklace on the teddy bear and then give it to her at the airport when she came back. Then again, she might not come until very late so I guess my idea is stupid.

My sister got her something to. I talk about Aiko to everyone that I see. I feel so proud that she’s my girlfriend. So obviously my sister knows. My poor baby sister bought her some perfume and some earings. She also wrote her a letter and signed it “Ishtaroo” (she wanted to say “Aishteru” or at least i think that’s how it’s spelt)

I’m sure I’ve done much more than I’ve mentioned, but I guess I’ll leave that for another time

I sat down today and I watched the video I made her.
I made her a video of Bahrain. The country which I studied in for 17 years.
It took me alot of hardwork, and I made sure that I showed her as much as I can. I drove around the whole country looking for things to put.
I hope she enjoys the effort I put into it.

I looked at the pictures that we took together as well. My heart felt sad, I felt as if it was going to fall through my body. I wonder if she feels the same way.

I’ve been doing more thinking.

These are the things that I wonder about.
I know that it must be stupid and that I’m acting strange. but the thing is, i’ve never felt this way about a person. She tells me that she’s afraid of breaking up with me and that I will leave her. She doesn’t know that I am MORE afraid of her leaving me.

Sometimes I sit down and think.
“If I mean so much to her why doesn’t she take anytime to speak to me?”
“If I work harder to show her the way i feel, will she do the same?”
“Why do I wish she is here with me but also want her to be happy in Japan?”
“If she chooses to stay in Japan instead of being with me, does that mean that I’m not that important to her?”

I cant be blamed for thinking these things. I cant.

I feel as though I wish I could die right now. I want to die. If I die now, it will be at a time where I know that I have feelings for Aiko. Maybe she will be free then. Maybe she will be able to do what she wants and not feel trapped by me.

….I hope she understands what I’m going through, although she will never know what I’ve written

This is the beginning of my public diary.
My life has often been full of pain and suffering. With no real purpose or reason. I’ve had countless relationships where I found nothing but dead-ends.

I must admit that my first reason for living came to me in the sign of an angel. Someone called “Aiko”. She showed me what it means to share one common love - The love for each other.

One of my MAIN goals in life is to NOT give anyone my heart. Doing that, it makes breaking up easier in the future and the pain of choosing the wrong person easier to handle.

I told this to Aiko in the beginning of my relationship. She seemed accepting of this decision.

Another problem that I have is with trust. I’ve had many bad experiences with trust and so, when someone lies to me, it takes forever in order to gain my trust back again.

Aiko lied to me.

She lied to me more than once. But I forgave her. (but I did not give her my full trust).

When I was with her I didn’t care about anything. I sacraficed everything I had for her.

I gave up my relationship with my father for her, I left one of my best friends for her, and I did everything I could to make sure that she was happy.

Now that summer came, she went back to Japan, while I went back to Bahrain.

She told me that she was working in Japan so that she could save up enough money to visit me in Bahrain the coming winter. It hurt my heart to hear such words, because I felt that she truely wanted to be with me.

Two months passed, when I noticed that it was ‘I’ who was doing all the calling and all of the emailing. I asked myself “Why am I doing all of this if she doesn’t find it in herself to do the same for me?”

I ignored it. I didn’t care. I love her.

She had told me before leaving she would be coming back in September. That’s why I’m in the UK now. I wanted to make sure that I was here early enough to make sure I was here for her.

I always ask her when she’s coming. She always tells me she doesn’t know. (should I keep asking?)

She told me that she wants to come to England to see me but she wants to stay in Japan to be with her family in Japan too. I guess family is important…..but what about me?….

She sent me an email two days ago. She told me that she had been offered a position of being a model for a magazine. I was so proud. I always told her that she was beautiful.
I told my friends this. They told me ‘what type of model?’
…..This made me think, what ‘kind of magazine’. What do I do but wonder?

She also told me that if she got accepted then she would be coming back very late during the vacation.
….but I ask again ‘what about me?’

I guess it is her choice and I can’t stop her. I just wish that she didn’t do this to me.
What I mean is. She told me she loved me, and taught me to give her my full heart only to throw it back in my face. (or at least this is how I feel)

I sent her a message yesterday. I told her that we had to talk about a few things.

I called her, but she didn’t want to talk to me much. We spoke for 6 minutes. She said, ‘we’ll talk later’.
She made me feel as if I wasn’t important enough to talk about things now… [-_-]

She sent me a message the same day. She told me that she was going to call me in the morning.

I didn’t sleep.

I sat by the phone waiting. She didn’t call.

I sent her a message asking how she could do this.

She told me she woke up at 9 pm.
If that is true. Why? If she was tired. What was she doing? She told me that she tried to call but my phone was busy. But I sat by the phone and watched it… (maybe, there is a chance for everything)

I called her two hours ago. The phone rang, then I got a network message. I called four times. Still no answer.

I gave up.

I lay on my bed.

Thinking

What do i do. I love her with all my heart. I feel as if I could be with her forever. Maybe, she doesn’t feel the way that I do. What did i do wrong? I tried to give her everything she wanted.

Only time will tell.

(guess I’ll finish a few personal notes later on)

Signed,
(Feeling Pain is my Friend)

i met up with the people. And I just got home. Damn it was wierd. I’m now in a messy situation.
The house costs 1100 pounds total p/m. We are 4 rent payers.

Marc is paying 240 and is leaving after 4 months of moving in.
So we need to find a person to take his place.

Helen is paying 275 and is leaving after 10 months of moving in.
So we need to find a person to take HER place as well.

I’m paying 290. and Ricky is paying 290.

Damn it. Me and Ricky want to stay for at least two years.

The problem is, we’ll be in a tight squeeze if we cant find anyone to move in with us. We cant afford to go over 340.

It’s times like these I wish Aiko was here so she could make me feel better and show me that I’m just being a man.

Damn life is hard.

I have to give the agent my answer tomorrow. And YES it gets trickier. Helen needs to talk about this with her husband. If they dont agree then me and Ricky will move into a smaller house were we both still pay 340. If Ricky and I see that it wont work, we will move into the smaller house. AND if Marc backs down, we will move into a smaller house.

I’ll bet you could easily set up a IF STATEMENT and make a program given the information I’ve given you.

What’s worse, Aiko still hasn’t even emailed me yet. Meaning that she’s still thinking…