Today I was in pain. My whole face hurt me so much. One thing that helped me get passed the pain was the fact that I was going to call Aiko for New Year.
So I call. She doesn’t answer. I call and call. No answer. So I call my friend Yutaka and just ask if he knows anything about it, and he says that she is in Niigata. I was surprised for a moment.

Aiko told me that she would be in Nagano. My heart falls again. Did she lie to me again? Is this another one of her big lies?
I just don’t understand why she lies to me so easily. What does she want from me? Why can’t she be honest to me?

As each moment passes, my heart becomes colder and I feel like giving up on life.

What makes me even more sad than her lie (if she is lieing) is that she didn’t even bother to say happy new year or send me an email….

Again… we see that Aiko is selfish and her happiness is more important than anything. Even if I die…
I thought Aiko was different. I sent her some emails. I will wait to see if she replies.

But I look back at this year and that is what makes my life more difficult.
I remember the time I spent with Aiko, we travelled to Belgium, we went to Camden market when we went shopping there,
We went travelling to so many countries in the past. The times I spent helping her with her assignment.
We had so many memories.

I love her so much. With all my heart…. Why am I a fool

Well I’m laying in my bed now. Out of surgery. What happened was I went into the room, they put a tube in my arm and I then lay down. I was told that I had to take my clothes off and wear a gown.

This is the first time I’ve heard that you had to take your underwear off to pull out some teeth.

Oh well.

One of the doctors asks me if I’m nervous, I say ‘yes’. He asks why. I say “because I haven’t heard from my Aiko and I wish I could hear her voice to comfort me”. So he then gave me some relaxents which he injected into me. It took three injections but it was mostly me thinking about Aiko next to me that calmed me down.

I was then rolled into the operating room and two seconds later, I feel something pumping my arm. I’m awake. I’m told the operation was finished. They said that they removed FOUR teeth that was under my gum. My mouth is bleeding alot and my face is swollen. I lay down for a while. I begin to feel pain, they inject my ass with some pain killers.

All I can think about is if Aiko is fine.

I go home, lay down, take my pills and sleep… What a lonely experience.

Well I don’t have good news for myself. yesterday when I went to the dentist to remove my wisdom tooth, he looked at the xray and saw that I have a few problems. My wisdom teeth are growing horizontally, but one of them is next to a nerve which controls the feeling to the bottom lip and taste on the tongue. If he doesn’t remove it, I could get an infection and lose taste. If he ‘does’ remove it, there is the still the same risk but at least I wont have any future problems. He also mentioned that my right wisdom tooth has been pushing on another tooth causing leakage, and that I need a root canal.

The doctor said that I would need surgery and they will have to make me sleep for it.
So I went to the hospital to do tests to make sure I’m fine. They told me that my heart is missing some beats. It’s scary. So they did an EKG test on me. When the nurse saw the paper that came out of the machine, she said “oh!” and I said what?? She said, uh.. nothing I need to show the doctor.

They then took a blood test and said they’d tell me tomorrow if there was any problems before the surgery.

I am so scared at the moment. I feel sad. When Aiko was in hospital to remove a tumor I called her everyday. Sadly so far, I didn’t even get a Merry Christmas or anything… It makes me sad because all I want to hear is her comforting words…

Today I decided that I needed a new email address. I think my old one is too childish. I needed something simpler.
The problem is, I have around 3000 emails, so at the moment I’m hoping that I can find a way to transfer them. I was clearing alot of the emails that I didn’t need.

As I went through them, I saw emails that Aiko sent me and I sent her back. They were so sweet, Aiko emailed me almost everyday. We were there for each other. I wish I knew what was in her mind then and what is in her mind now. I didn’t even get a Merry Christmas from her… I wish my friends would stop telling me to move on!

It’s not that simple. I need closure. I wish I knew why Aiko has changed.

Yesterday I had my christmas dinner and sat down at the table. I usually, enjoy it so much… It is something that I look forward to. However when I ate, I tried to eat as soon as possible. I just felt like I was empty inside.

As Christmas draws closer, the hole in my heart grows larger.
I also feel a sense of panic because tomorrow I have to remove a wisdom tooth.
I check my email everyday, as I click on the link, my heart beats faster, I anticipate Aiko’s email. Sadly, nothing.
I will wait.

Forever.

It reminds me of the Japanese story where a loyal dog went back to the train station everyday to see his master. One day the master died and the dog kept returning to the station and waited until he died.

No matter how much family I have around me, my christmas’s will always feel lonely.
I know that deep down in my heart, that even if I moved on and had another girlfriend or even became married, I will never feel complete.
In fact, I feel guilty, because I feel like I can never give my complete heart to someone. There will always be a small peice that will be with Aiko.
My friend told me that she reads Aiko’s blog, I promised myself that I would not look at her blog out of respect. She said that she updates it frequently. I felt sad because Aiko said that she was so busy to check her emails or talk on the phone.

I don’t know why she has to lie to me.. I don’t know if she is lieing. I don’t care if she is.
If she feels like she wants to move on… I just hope that I can be her friend because being her friend is better than being completely alone…

To whoever reads my blog, if there is somebody that you care about, somebody that you love that doesn’t love you back in the same way, somebody that you feel you cannot live without. Hang on.

People say that you have to move on, but I don’t think so. I am not saying that you should stop your life, no, you should continue to live your life. But always hang on to the hope that that person will be with you one day. It may seem unfair to the people around you, especially if you decide to go into another relationship. However there is one thing that’s for sure, even if you never end up with the person you love, you’ll always be able to look back and remember the good memories.

After all, we all need a dream… what better than to dream of being with the person you love.

No matter what happens… I’ll still be there for Aiko.

I’m in Bahrain at the moment.
I’m here for Christmas. Been relaxing a bit, but I’ve had to work on my assignments due on the 20th. So today I’m done and tomorrow I send it via DHL to the university.
I wanted to email them and that wasn’t allowed, but luckily one of my Professors said I’d get an extention to cover the ‘transit’ time when I send the assignments over.

Today my right wisdom tooth was hurting me. I got up, went to the dentist and was told I have to have surgery to remove it. Tomorrow I go to get an x-ray. The 24th I have the surgery. What a lovely gift for christmas eve.

I went to Qatar before coming to Bahrain. It’s lovely. I love Qatar.

It’s very cold in Bahrain at the moment. My feet are cold when they touch the floor. It reminds me of when I was in Aiko’s parent’s home… I hope she is having a nice time in Japan….

——
Before traveling though, I had to go to Chelmsford to hand in some work and get a book. Long story short, I wasn’t able to do either. However Felicity came with me. It was very nice of her. She’s been a very nice friend.

It seems that I need to explain what the purpose of a Blog is.

A blog is a diary. It’s something that people use to share ideas, thoughts, or even just release stress.

I’m sure that if anybody does read this blog, they will realize that I use it to releive stress.

Now I also want to mention that these are my thoughts at the time. It doesn’t mean this is how I feel all the time or how I feel towards a certain person.

Let me give an example. Let’s say Jim does something stupid to make me angry. I’ll probably write something related to the situation which shows how I feel, but it doesn’t mean that I generally think of him as a bad friend! No no no!

If more people in the world wrote down how they felt, they’d understand.

Sadly I’m not prepared to censor my emotions.. I already live with too much pressure.

If you read this Selin, you need to relax, I’m your friend not your enemy…

My dreams for life are simple.

1) Be with Aiko one day.
2) Have three children.
2) Own a home in Japan.
3) Own a home in Qatar
4) Own a home in Italy
5) Start a successfull business
6) Become a semi-celebrity
7) Be able to give the person I love whatever they want

Somehow, I feel number 1 will just be a dream.

It is simple. I am just sad. Aiko makes me sad.
What I want to understand is how can someone who you’ve been with for over three years, helped her with her assignments when she’s busy, sacrificed so much for her, given her whatever you could, and taken her whereever you could, just forget about you?
You think that you would at least deserve an email now and then… My heart is slowly turning cold. I am slowing losing trust in women. I am slowly becoming a heartless person.

Imagine… I spoke to Aiko almost a month ago… I received an email from her two months ago… She says she misses me, she says she wishes she could see me and give me a hug. Then I finally get an email from her today and she says she’s been busy with work.
The problem is, there is no way that someone is so busy that they can’t take 5 minutes to talk to you or send you an email…

It’s sad.. and although I care about her alot, I wish she could feel the pain that she makes me feel.

well Saturday was great. I cooked a huge meal. Roast Chicken, Roast potatoes, Bread Sauce, Leek sauce, Stuffing, Brussel Sprouts with Chestnuts, Champagne and vegetables. So I had some friends come over and they enjoyed their meal. Which reminds me, I need to ask for 3 pounds from everyone! Shit! After that a few of us went to Top Bar and enjoyed some games and watching a Madona impersonator.

Finally, we went to the International Christmas party. It started off empty. It was me, Camilla, Allen, Omar, Jianan, and Michael. We danced, went nuts, talked. All was well. People weren’t moving that much so we decided to get the party started by dancing.

We did formed a little ‘train’ and started doing kicks, Michael was behind me and mistankenly kicked my ass. Damn he kicked it hard. :p So I sat down a bit. As we got excited again, I looked on the stage and some dude was dancing, so me Omar and a couple of other guys decide to go on stage. I break dance, do the worm, and get the crowd cheering me. It felt great. Sadly the security said we have to get off stage because it’s not allowed. Oh well.

So after we were done, me and Jianan went back to my place and we just sat. We felt high… It felt great.. I didn’t think of it at first, but the next day I realized that it wasn’t normal to have felt high. I’m quite sure someone must have been smoking weed around us and we kind of breathed it in as well. No harm done though.

I woke up around 11 but I slept at 6am, I then went back to bed at 5pm and woke up at 2 am. My sleep cycle is a bit screwed.

Right now I can’t really sleep. I just really wish that I could go to Japan for New Years… I really wish I could find some friends to go. I want to have fun, and hopefully maybe see Aiko..

These past few days I’ve been very ill. Soar throat, head-ache, sweating, waking up every two hours. Even while I’m sick, I still tried to hide it from my friends, so I didn’t let them worry.
I had to wake up early, do my course-work, and do research for my essay.

I have some friends who simply don’t understand that I need to work so hard this year. If I don’t do well, it’s going to hurt my grades. It’s my final year!

My sleep cycle at the moment is really messed up because I haven’t been able to sleep properly. It’s like, once the clock passes 12, I can’t sleep.

So I’m also trying to host this little dinner between friends. It doesn’t seem like things are going according to plan. So far, the list of people are Camilla, Felicity, Omar, Selin, Arwa, Hussain, Jianan, Jolin, Allen, Koje, Ahmed and maybe Christina.
There was this girl named Lara who was in my Business Association class which I invited and she said she wanted to come, but sadly I just got an email today telling me that she had to spend time with her family.

I ended up sending my CV to 2020 so now I’m waiting for a reply. It’s been around a week, don’t know how long I should wait.

I seriously feel overwhelmed with everything I have to do.

One thing that seriously made me angry was when Selin said “you need to decide who you’re real friends are”. She said that after she asked why I didn’t send a text. (She’s Hussain’s girlfriend). I explained that I am so busy, or sick and I’m not avoiding but I have alot of other friends I need to give time to. I don’t know what gave her the feeling that I only have 1 friend :S Anyway I need to try and relax now.

(Apparantly Selin wants me to explain the reason why she said this. I just want to go on the record of saying that this is my blog meaning it’s my point of view. It would be strange to write a blog about how other people felt… She said that because the day before she was going to the cinema and invited me. I asked what movie they (Selin, Arwa and Hussain), where going to watch, she said she wants to go to twon to pick the movie (she could have chosen online). She asked me to call her in 45 minutes, I said fine. 30 mins later, I speak to Hussain who said he’s not going and that they were not watching a movie. So I assumed that everything was cancelled. Selin said I still should have called.)