My life has been like an emotional roller coaster.

Some days I feel fine, most days I feel like my heart is beating like a drum. The pressure inside of me is overwhelming. Many people who know me will say that I do alot in my life. Some may say that I am talented for doing so much.

I used to feel confidence. Now I feel empty. I keep asking myself the question, “why wasn’t I good enough?”. What did I do to make her get pushed away. This is all because I never received a reason… She knew I was coming to Japan. A few days before buying the ticket she was happy on the phone… Then all of a sudden… silence. Although silence means no words.. that silence echoes in my soul.

I try my best to move on. I try my best to smile. It’s hard. Mainly because my love for her was pure. It was true. Now I feel like if all of my love, my gifts, my attention, my sacrafices, and dreams were not enough. Then I am not a man. I will never be able to satisfy anyone.

From a warm feeling in my heart whenever I hear her voice, to a cold empty space where my heart used to be.
I know life will move on. I know that it will happen if I meet someone new. Until then. Sadness will always be there.

Some people who read my blog will think that I am not moving on. Just remember, over 3 years of being with someone, dreaming of a wedding, imagining her smiling and sitting with kids, is very hard. I try to release all my emotions and thoughts on the blog rather than keep it locked inside.

As per Diana’s request. Two photos of me smiling. (taken in 2002 when I first came to england). ^_^

So today I was stuck in traffic most of the day. I don’t know why but from 12pm the traffic was so heavy for at least 4 hours! I was supposed to go to the Spa but I was driving my friends left and right that I eventually missed my chance! I’ll go tomorrow.

Anyway, so I go to Nando’s to have some chicken with Saleh (a new Emiratee guy I met) and Omar.

On the way to Saleh’s house I drop Omar home. We had all decided to go to the club (with Jianan). Anyway, after going to Saleh’s place and cleaning up, we are ready to go out. Cool. Get in the elevator.
Hey man I can’t wait t—- *lights switch off*. Wait what’s go— *elevator stops* Great -_-

So I’m stuck in the elevator with Saleh. Jianan is waiting outside. No problem. I’ll call him. Wait… no battery… No problem. Saleh will call him. Wait…. no signal….

So we push the alarm and a guy answers. We tell him we’re stuck in the elevator. He says “Ok no problem, someone is on the way”. I ask “how long will he take?”. “Not long.. around 1 hour and a half”…

-_-; ok… I’m stuck for an hour and a half. Oh well. No club today… When we finally get out, we go to my place and watch some tv. (followed by a little stress caused by Anthony)..

Life is strange isn’t it? Here’s a very poor video taken in the elevator, we laugh like idiots and I don’t look that good either :P.

update: So Anthony sends me a private message saying the following “If you want to insult me, do it in person. I’m likely to be at the next Japanese Class.

It would be seemingly more productive to speak about this issue in a proper manner. Before or after the class.
It’s a really small issue for me, so we’ve probably misread each others comments or something. “

I replied with this, “I will surely be in the Japanese class.

Anyway, hope that this will be able to be solved and we can get a better understanding. “

So it seems this little issue may be resolved.
The following was written in anger (I have editted it because of the above mentioned).

Ok, let’s talk about this person named Anthony.
This is a guy who seems to be a pain within the society.
He’s the type of guy who tells the society that the language classes (which are made for beginners), are “too simple” and that we need to step it up a notch. Ok… the sad news is that the classes weren’t made for him only. (I was told that by a Japanese society member)

He’s the type of guy who thinks he’s so smart and says “Your account has been hacked or taken over by spammers and I’m receiving emails”. I didn’t want to go into the explanation that my email could have been spoofed or the fact that there still remains the question “WHY THE HELL WILL SOMEONE HACK MY EMAIL AND THEN SEND HIM AN EMAIL??” (I don’t even know who the hell this guy is!)

He then has the balls to actually BLAME my friend Omar saying that he’s been ‘reading my Private Messages’. How can ‘Anthony’ KNOW that?? Omar has been my friend for 9 years. Yes Omar can be an asshole but he would NEVER read my private messages. If he WAS the messages would be ‘read’ wouldn’t they? There is no “mark as unread”!!

This is the guy who emails a JAPANESE member, who is so kind that out of the kindness of her heart, she sets up movie viewing sessions in the university so people can watch Japanese popular cinema, and tells her that SHE is wrong and that she is confusing people. THere is a movie called Battle Royale. So she wrote “Battle Royal”. He emails her telling her the Japanese name, and the correct spelling. Oh did I mention he started his email with a very kind “Hey”. (This is coming from a guy studying basic Japanese I remind you). (This is according to a society member too)

*sighs*

3:38am in the morning, pretty tired. Going to bed now. This was a nice photo of me on the pc late at night.

Today I was on a mission! I was going to find a pair of leather gloves that felt soft both outside and inside ^_^
I went with town with Vanessa. She said he’d help me find a pair. Awesome! Now I don’t need to go to town alone. So we walked around, looked from store to store, and I then realized I have small hands… finding a pair of gloves that fit me was going to be hard.

Never the less, I searched hard and found a pair at Next! (I’ll add a pic later).

When I got home, I relaxed a bit then headed to Tesco to pick up some ingredients to cook dinner. After buying LOADS of vegetables I cooked some stire fry.

Here’s what you see on the table.
Left: corn, bell pepper, sweet chilli
Bottom center: Stir-fry egg noodle, regular noodle, Hoi sin, Yellow and Orange bell peper, sweet chilli, chicken, spring onions, and soy sauce.
Top center: salad. Cucumber, carrot, tomato, chinese leaf, italian dressing, lemon, salt and pepper
Right: Cellery and Cashew nuts fried.

Nice? (click the picture to make it bigger)

Today my heart was beating fast. I remembered Aiko. I am trying my best to be positive. To think about her really made my feel pain in my body. I keep asking, “How can she just live her life normally without thinking of me?”

I wish I could freeze time.

I wish I was like some people who could switch off their emotions.

Today I got up quite early to go to London and do a few jobs. Wore my nice new brown coat I bought from Bahrain. I felt cool (it was warm though :p). So I arrive in London with Jianan and we immediately go to China Town to do a few jobs for him and myself.
Jianan needed to get a special letter because he wants to go to Japan.
I went to Japan Center in Picadilli to buy some snacks, sake, and umeshu for the Japanese event. (The society asked me to).

We ate at T.G.I. fridays. I LOVE their Cajun Chicken Cream Penne. Tastes great. Here is a picture of it.

Jianan decided he wanted a drink, but wanted something he didn’t try so he pointed at a “Cosmopolitan”. I knew it was a girls drink, but I didn’t say anything. It was funny because when he got it he said “what the hell is this??”. I had a coke

When I got back it was around 8:30. Jianan wanted me to go to a club with him. It was called the Hippodrome. He said they’d planned 10pm. I decided to sleep for an hour. When he got up he woke me up to go, but I was so exhausted. I have a class the day after and I can’t be tired to miss it! -_-
But sadly he kept saying common or whinging. I felt annoyed because he couldn’t understand that my education is more important than one night of fun.

Anyway, I decided screw it. I went. I told Jianan that in the future he should not make me feel I have to go. If we’re clubbing I should feel like I want to go.
He’s a very nice guy, but sometimes I wish he could feel empathy for me.

When I was in the club, I met a few Chinese people. They were actually quite friendly. Jianan and I had gone with this girl named Vannessa. Her look is simple, but there is something about her that is attractive. I still don’t know what that is. I’m trying to figure it out.

I danced, showed some moves, and shook my head to the beats. Although the music was good, the hippodrome played some music that was hard to dance to! It should be called Bakadrome! The DJ also kept talking. I screamed “SHUT UP!” but of course nobody could hear.

When I got back, I cooked some arabic style prawns for Jianan and Vannessa, they liked it. Finally she left and I am now writing on the blog. It’s 4:20 am… -_-; I need to sleep and fix my cycle.

Good night.

This is what you do when it’s 3am and you’re bored with your friends.

Damn I look tired in this picture!

There is a chinese song. A friend let me listen to it, it’s Jay Chou’s “Listen to your mothers words”. It’s a song that tells you that your mother only teaches you things to make you a better person. He talks about how other kids were having fun at his ages, but he was forced to work hard. At the end of the day, he is where is he is because of his mother.

Watch.

So I finally finished all of my exams. It was fairly straight forward. At least I’m confident that I’ve passed that exam. I hope I do well and pass everything.
As soon as I got home, my friend Jianan asked me to go to Southend to pick something up but because today was VERY windy the traffic was hardly moving.

You might think… windy? Yes, 100 miles an hour wind! Trees falling, cars flipping over, roads being blocked. I even heard of a man who was blown into a spiked fence and was killed! I’m like wtf!

As soon as we get back, we eat and then I take a three hour nap. I shouldn’t have slept… It’s now 5 am and I’m just getting tired.

Good thing I have things to do online. My mind is wandering to the subject I’m trying to avoid (shall not be mentioned) but I am trying my best to control myself!

Yesterday was enjoyable. As you all probably know, I’ve been a bit sad. (yes I know, it’s hard to believe). I joined a site called JREF after a friend showed it to me and I thought ‘what the hell, might as well join and meet people around the world’. So imagine my luck to meet someone attractive, same cultural background, same religion, and lives quite close. Yes 1 in a million. I was actually in shock! Imagine!

I had one of the most longest chats of my life on messenger. It was exhilerating. Exciting. She was smart. Perceptive. Direct! What I don’t understand is how it seems that I’ve struck gold. She likes to go shopping. She likes to go out to eat. She’s just awesome. As Borat would say “I like!”.

Anyway, no use getting too excited just yet. let’s wait and see.

Today I got up, finished my laundry and planned my day. Here’s what I did/will be doing. Went to town to buy some towels and bed sheets. (BHS had a sale). THen went to the gym. I’m home now so I’m planning to go to the cinema to watch a movie.

Jianan invited me to eat dinner with a friend so I might go to that.

After that, more tidying!

Here’s some more pics of the house. My room is messy because I still haven’t unpacked yet

My bedroom (Blue and Brown)

My bathroom (red and cream)

My guest room (pink and brown)

Is it nice?

Well Friday I completed an Equity & Trusts exam. It was very difficult. My mind went blank. I could remember the cases, but not what topic they were related to. I just wrote down everything I could remember down. The day before I was studying hard. As I was reading a tear dropped from my eye onto my notes. I started to think about her… to try and distract myself I quickly sent a message to my father asking if he was awake. No reply. So I called Hussain to try and talk about something.. Anything.. I just needed to think of something else.

However to return to the subject of the exam. The weather was not so bad. Of course the sky was still grey but otherwise it was fine. My friend Gokce wasn’t at the exam though. I called her mobile but it was off. I hope she’s doing fine. I know she was supposed to come to this one. When I returned, I called Kayo and gave her a Jalabiya (an arabic sleeping clothes). She seemed very happy. That’s good.

I’ve been updating some websites now and relaxing this weekend. Hussain came over, we chatted about our family, our lives, and joked around. Oh we also got some KFC. I don’t know why it smells so good, but it’s so bad for you. Don’t eat KFC!

I’ve been chatting with a few people that I met online to meet them. It’s good to meet new people and share thoughts.
Let’s see what tomorrow brings.